Singleness & Sanctification

Writing this post has been on my mind and heart especially within the last few months. I don't intend for this to be a stereotypical, cliché, girly, depressing post, because in all honesty, it won't be. Not even close. So, let's get down to business.

I'll start with this: Singleness, at any stage of life, can be a difficult season. It seems that the older you get, the harder it is to be content about it. I've asked a few friends to help me in writing this post. I started by giving them 6 straight-forward and, honestly, pretty heavy questions to answer. To be honest, their answers were great. I could tell that they had strong opinions and a lot of their answers were backed up by biblical truth.

The questions:
1. What is your definition of dating and why do you believe people should date?
2. What does the world teach us about dating and how do you agree or disagree?
3. What are you learning through your season of singleness?
4. What qualities/characteristics are the most important to you in a significant other and why?
5. What are some areas women can better communicate their feelings so that it doesn't cause a confusion of "I'm interested or I'm not interested?"
6. How do men need to step up in pursuing a relationship if they are interested in a woman?

I received a variety of answers to these questions and will use their answers and my own to delve into the topic of being single and how God can use you in this season.

GO.

1. For myself and the majority of those who took part in this, dating is a period of time in which there is an intentional, serious consideration of marriage between a man and woman. It's also doing life together. They're learning about one another and confirming their interests and growing together towards marriage. It is important to know all that you can about someone before you try to advance a relationship.  
Dating is NOT a period of time in which you go on dates with someone because you think that person is attractive and they'll pay for a meal. Umm...negative.

To be really real, in high school, I dated because I thought that's just what you did. I thought a guy was cute, he made me laugh, we started hanging out, we held hands, we called it a relationship.
Looking back, I regret those relationships. Not because of the guy I was dating at the time, but because of the reasoning behind our relationship. It was silly. It was childish and it ended up just hurting my heart in the long run. Because you see, those relationships didn't last because they were not built on the foundation of Jesus. Jesus was not at the center of those relationships and to be honest, I wasn't asking Him if who I was dating or why I was dating was the best thing for me. Which leads to the next question.

2. Through reading the Gospels this semester, I've come to the realization that the Word of God and what the world teaches us is completely opposite of one another. It's like that on basically every issue out there...including dating, marriage, etc.
One of my very best friends gave an incredible response to this question:
"The world teaches us that dating is about US. A relationship is about getting what you want from another person and continuing if it feels right. The world says it's casual...that you can float from relationship to relationship and be okay. I completely disagree with every image of dating the world displays. It's selfish, self-seeking, and hollow."

Harsh, but legit, and very much true.

Another great response I received was this:
"The world presents dating as a temporary commitment in which you are able to have an intimate and physical relationship. If it is no longer beneficial or enjoyable, you get out and try another. The problem is that for the Christian, no relationship is disposable and the world has underestimated the impact of the physical relationship on ourselves and future relationships."

Can I get an AMEN?

Let me just go out on a limb and say this (again, my personal opinion):
If you cannot picture yourself with a person that you are currently interested in for years and years to come, do not date them. If they seem good right now, cool. If they don't seem so good for the next 50 years, #byefelicia. But really, dating is not a casual, let-me-hang-out-with-you-until-I-figure-out-my-feelings thing. Dating is a "I'm interested in you, I think we can serve Christ together, and I'm looking at the life journey, not just the fun road trip."

Men and women, if you get nothing else from this, please get this:
Serve Christ, love Him and meet with Him daily.

My favorite book and chapter of the Bible is John 15.
John 15:7 says, "If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you."

Abide - keep to, hold to, conform to, follow, obey, comply with, accept, acknowledge, respect, stand by, the list goes on and on.

Keep to Christ. Hold to Christ. Conform to Christ. Follow Christ. Obey Christ. You get it? When you are loving the Lord and making Him the most important thing to you, your desires and what you think you want start transforming into what Christ desires for your life. And from personal experience, how beautiful and perfect are His plans for you.

God knows our hearts. By golly, He created our hearts. He knows what we desire. He knows that I desire a husband and a family, but He also knows that I need to desire Him and His plan.
So, seek, serve, and love Christ in the season of life that you're in and He will show you and teach you the most incredible things about Him, who He is, and all that you are to Him.


3. Believe it or not, singleness is a blessing. Another great friend of mine responded with this:
"I am learning through this season how capable, strong, and independent that I am. I am capable of anything with or without someone." YAS GIRL.
Another response that is extremely similar to mine: "It has taught me about patience and humbleness and knowing that single or not, God still can use me and wants to use me."

You don't have to be dating someone or married to be used by God. God wants a willing heart that desires His ultimate and divine plan. God can use you in whatever season you are in right now. My question to you is, are you willing to be used by God?

4. When I was 13, I attended a youth conference in Conway that was specifically designed for teenagers. At that conference, you were given the opportunity to go to several break out sessions or small groups. There was a leader for those groups that would discuss a specific topic you were interested in. My first session I went to: Why do people date?

We listened to a middle-aged woman speak on why people date and what the true meaning of dating should be. At the end of the session, we were asked to make a list. As a planner and extreme organizer, I was up for the challenge.
We were asked to make a Husband/Wife list. The girls were to make a list of qualities of what they were looking for in a husband, and vice versa for the guys.
Looking back, my list was literally the dumbest thing I ever wrote. I'm sure it's still at my parents house in a box in my old closet. Ha!

That was 11 years ago and my ideal for a husband has changed significantly.

To me and my girl, Rachel, (And I'm sure others out there) the most important quality is a man seeking the Lord intentionally. If he is being mentored, spending intentional time in the Word, and is involved in his church, the rest will take care of itself. To be honest, nothing is more attractive than a man who pursues Christ and strives to know Him more and more each day.
Through various responses, I also got these answers:
A good sense of humor, honest, family-oriented, good morals, strong, silly, creative, outgoing, and hot (because kids - duh)
That last one, from the person I got it from, was definitely a joke. But not really knowing her. Ha!

So basically, this goes to both guys and girls and it goes back to Christ, as it will...every time: Seek Christ, have a mentor who is keeping you accountable and encourages you in your walk with Christ, study His Word, and be involved in your church.

And let me go out on another limb here because, why not, I'm already sharing basically everything else with you...
Do not settle. The problem with our generation today is that there are guys and girls dating that have no reason to be dating.
Young woman of God, wait for the man who loves you the way that Christ loved the church and quit settling for the boys who can shave. There's a lot of neat Christian boys out there, but not a whole lot of godly men who diligently seek the Lord in everything they do. Wait for that man.
One of my favorite quotes is from my favorite speaker, Matt Chandler.
"Your loneliness now is monumentally better than your loneliness with a man in the house who has no intention of loving and serving you the way that Christ loved the church."
Can I get another AMEN?


Young man of God, wait for the woman who encourages you, holds you accountable of your job as the head of the family, and will gladly submit to you as she does to the Lord.
Difficult to find? Probably. Worth it in the long run? You bet.

5. I feel like this is an ongoing issue that has escalated here recently. How can women better communicate to a guy if she is or is not interested in him without causing confusion and hurt feelings?

Here's a bright idea, ladies...COMMUNICATE. How will a guy ever really know if you're interested, if you never tell him? Whoa, there's a thought.

This whole ridiculous game of, "Oh my gosh, he made eye contact with me from across the room...I think he's interested so I'm just going to sit here and be impatient and overanalyze everything he ever does because I think he likes me."
Okay. Girl, STOP. Please. He made eye contact because he has eyes and is a human being. If I make eye contact with every male, that does not mean I like them, it means I have eyes and I'm using them correctly.

I had several awesome responses:
- "Be blunt with your intentions, feelings, and motives."
- "Women have to quit being scared for someone to know they are interested. Like isn't that the point? Let them know...just don't be cray." (My personal favorite. Haha!)
- "Be honest about it. Say why you are pursuing each other so that neither person gets confused."
- "Women need to be more straightforward, less flirtface, inserting themselves in every place of the other person's life, or less standoff-ish, running the opposite direction. Be bold, confident, and humble."
- "Just be honest. If you don't know, say it, If it's a no, say it. If you like them, you can say it. It doesn't have to be signals. We can use words. It doesn't have to be complicated."
- "First, don't be quick to assume interest in another. Be slow to speak and quick to listen. Many heartbreaks could be avoided simply by moving slowly."
- "Well this one hits home. I definitely feel like following the guidance of Christ. That may seem like a weird way to answer this question, but from my personal experience, God has told me to stay friends and be still, but He's also told me to move. If you have feelings, don't deny them, but also don't pursue him. He should be pursuing you."


6. You hear, or at least I hear, all the time that the guy is the pursuer. Okay. Cool. So how do guys need to step up in pursuing a relationship?

The responses:
- "Guys need to be the leader. Be blunt with a woman about your intentions. If you don't know your intentions, leave her alone. Don't play. Women are fragile, intricate beings who aren't emotionally removed from these situations. Everything affects a woman to the core (that may be too much, but it's how I feel) Respect her purity, treasure her, and seek to understand her."
- "Guys, get your head out of your rears and pursue her. She wants to be pursued like her mother was. No Netflix and chill. No "let's hang." Go to her door. Drive her to wherever and make her feel like you actually tried super hard even if you thought of it all 2 seconds ago. It's not the money you spend but the effort you give. Nice guys do win. Just don't overdo it and be annoying." (HAHAHA)
- "Be a gentleman. Treat her like she deserves to be treated."
- "Guys should be honest. If you like a girl, do something about it. Be upfront with your feelings. If a guy wants to date a specific girl, make time for her! No games like waiting an X amount of day to call or text, don't say something to come across as laid back and nonchalant but expressing how you truly feel. If a guy said that he was nervously excited before a date, I would be so flattered. If a guy told me that he wanted to take things slow because of whatever reason that would save me a lot of nights wondering why this did or didn't happen. Honesty, regardless o how you THINK you will come across."
- "I don't see the problem being solved by guys pursuing relationships but guys pursuing manhood. Grow up, get a job, learn consistency and faithfulness, practice your faith, learn the gospel, sacrifice your resources for other, honor your mother and care for your sister. Guys who pursue manhood will be much less awkward in pursuing relationships."
- "Asking someone on a date - and letting them know that it's a date - doesn't mean you're in a relationship with someone. Going on multiple dates doesn't mean that either. Guys need to step up and say, "Hey, I'm interested in you, can we purposefully spend time together?" I hate when after a conversation, I'm like, "Oh, is this a thing?"
- "Just be intentional. If you like her, make her feel valued. If you just want to be a brother in Christ, be honest."
- "I think the interest of being more than a friend should be brought up pretty soon after they realize that interest. If there is a lot of "friendzone" space, the girl is more likely to think the potential relationship is hopeless and as the question says, honestly pursue the girl."

I pray that this is something that is useful and beneficial for you in the season of life that you are currently in. It's a good season, I promise.
I don't want you to think that if you do points A, B, and C, then you will instantly be transported out Singleness Station. Because, well, I'm not Jesus and I don't control your life.
I do, however, love Jesus and I want you to know and trust that God is always good. In every season, in every step, in every moment of your life, God is good.

In Christ,

Jennifer