Singleness & Sanctification

Writing this post has been on my mind and heart especially within the last few months. I don't intend for this to be a stereotypical, cliché, girly, depressing post, because in all honesty, it won't be. Not even close. So, let's get down to business.

I'll start with this: Singleness, at any stage of life, can be a difficult season. It seems that the older you get, the harder it is to be content about it. I've asked a few friends to help me in writing this post. I started by giving them 6 straight-forward and, honestly, pretty heavy questions to answer. To be honest, their answers were great. I could tell that they had strong opinions and a lot of their answers were backed up by biblical truth.

The questions:
1. What is your definition of dating and why do you believe people should date?
2. What does the world teach us about dating and how do you agree or disagree?
3. What are you learning through your season of singleness?
4. What qualities/characteristics are the most important to you in a significant other and why?
5. What are some areas women can better communicate their feelings so that it doesn't cause a confusion of "I'm interested or I'm not interested?"
6. How do men need to step up in pursuing a relationship if they are interested in a woman?

I received a variety of answers to these questions and will use their answers and my own to delve into the topic of being single and how God can use you in this season.

GO.

1. For myself and the majority of those who took part in this, dating is a period of time in which there is an intentional, serious consideration of marriage between a man and woman. It's also doing life together. They're learning about one another and confirming their interests and growing together towards marriage. It is important to know all that you can about someone before you try to advance a relationship.  
Dating is NOT a period of time in which you go on dates with someone because you think that person is attractive and they'll pay for a meal. Umm...negative.

To be really real, in high school, I dated because I thought that's just what you did. I thought a guy was cute, he made me laugh, we started hanging out, we held hands, we called it a relationship.
Looking back, I regret those relationships. Not because of the guy I was dating at the time, but because of the reasoning behind our relationship. It was silly. It was childish and it ended up just hurting my heart in the long run. Because you see, those relationships didn't last because they were not built on the foundation of Jesus. Jesus was not at the center of those relationships and to be honest, I wasn't asking Him if who I was dating or why I was dating was the best thing for me. Which leads to the next question.

2. Through reading the Gospels this semester, I've come to the realization that the Word of God and what the world teaches us is completely opposite of one another. It's like that on basically every issue out there...including dating, marriage, etc.
One of my very best friends gave an incredible response to this question:
"The world teaches us that dating is about US. A relationship is about getting what you want from another person and continuing if it feels right. The world says it's casual...that you can float from relationship to relationship and be okay. I completely disagree with every image of dating the world displays. It's selfish, self-seeking, and hollow."

Harsh, but legit, and very much true.

Another great response I received was this:
"The world presents dating as a temporary commitment in which you are able to have an intimate and physical relationship. If it is no longer beneficial or enjoyable, you get out and try another. The problem is that for the Christian, no relationship is disposable and the world has underestimated the impact of the physical relationship on ourselves and future relationships."

Can I get an AMEN?

Let me just go out on a limb and say this (again, my personal opinion):
If you cannot picture yourself with a person that you are currently interested in for years and years to come, do not date them. If they seem good right now, cool. If they don't seem so good for the next 50 years, #byefelicia. But really, dating is not a casual, let-me-hang-out-with-you-until-I-figure-out-my-feelings thing. Dating is a "I'm interested in you, I think we can serve Christ together, and I'm looking at the life journey, not just the fun road trip."

Men and women, if you get nothing else from this, please get this:
Serve Christ, love Him and meet with Him daily.

My favorite book and chapter of the Bible is John 15.
John 15:7 says, "If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you."

Abide - keep to, hold to, conform to, follow, obey, comply with, accept, acknowledge, respect, stand by, the list goes on and on.

Keep to Christ. Hold to Christ. Conform to Christ. Follow Christ. Obey Christ. You get it? When you are loving the Lord and making Him the most important thing to you, your desires and what you think you want start transforming into what Christ desires for your life. And from personal experience, how beautiful and perfect are His plans for you.

God knows our hearts. By golly, He created our hearts. He knows what we desire. He knows that I desire a husband and a family, but He also knows that I need to desire Him and His plan.
So, seek, serve, and love Christ in the season of life that you're in and He will show you and teach you the most incredible things about Him, who He is, and all that you are to Him.


3. Believe it or not, singleness is a blessing. Another great friend of mine responded with this:
"I am learning through this season how capable, strong, and independent that I am. I am capable of anything with or without someone." YAS GIRL.
Another response that is extremely similar to mine: "It has taught me about patience and humbleness and knowing that single or not, God still can use me and wants to use me."

You don't have to be dating someone or married to be used by God. God wants a willing heart that desires His ultimate and divine plan. God can use you in whatever season you are in right now. My question to you is, are you willing to be used by God?

4. When I was 13, I attended a youth conference in Conway that was specifically designed for teenagers. At that conference, you were given the opportunity to go to several break out sessions or small groups. There was a leader for those groups that would discuss a specific topic you were interested in. My first session I went to: Why do people date?

We listened to a middle-aged woman speak on why people date and what the true meaning of dating should be. At the end of the session, we were asked to make a list. As a planner and extreme organizer, I was up for the challenge.
We were asked to make a Husband/Wife list. The girls were to make a list of qualities of what they were looking for in a husband, and vice versa for the guys.
Looking back, my list was literally the dumbest thing I ever wrote. I'm sure it's still at my parents house in a box in my old closet. Ha!

That was 11 years ago and my ideal for a husband has changed significantly.

To me and my girl, Rachel, (And I'm sure others out there) the most important quality is a man seeking the Lord intentionally. If he is being mentored, spending intentional time in the Word, and is involved in his church, the rest will take care of itself. To be honest, nothing is more attractive than a man who pursues Christ and strives to know Him more and more each day.
Through various responses, I also got these answers:
A good sense of humor, honest, family-oriented, good morals, strong, silly, creative, outgoing, and hot (because kids - duh)
That last one, from the person I got it from, was definitely a joke. But not really knowing her. Ha!

So basically, this goes to both guys and girls and it goes back to Christ, as it will...every time: Seek Christ, have a mentor who is keeping you accountable and encourages you in your walk with Christ, study His Word, and be involved in your church.

And let me go out on another limb here because, why not, I'm already sharing basically everything else with you...
Do not settle. The problem with our generation today is that there are guys and girls dating that have no reason to be dating.
Young woman of God, wait for the man who loves you the way that Christ loved the church and quit settling for the boys who can shave. There's a lot of neat Christian boys out there, but not a whole lot of godly men who diligently seek the Lord in everything they do. Wait for that man.
One of my favorite quotes is from my favorite speaker, Matt Chandler.
"Your loneliness now is monumentally better than your loneliness with a man in the house who has no intention of loving and serving you the way that Christ loved the church."
Can I get another AMEN?


Young man of God, wait for the woman who encourages you, holds you accountable of your job as the head of the family, and will gladly submit to you as she does to the Lord.
Difficult to find? Probably. Worth it in the long run? You bet.

5. I feel like this is an ongoing issue that has escalated here recently. How can women better communicate to a guy if she is or is not interested in him without causing confusion and hurt feelings?

Here's a bright idea, ladies...COMMUNICATE. How will a guy ever really know if you're interested, if you never tell him? Whoa, there's a thought.

This whole ridiculous game of, "Oh my gosh, he made eye contact with me from across the room...I think he's interested so I'm just going to sit here and be impatient and overanalyze everything he ever does because I think he likes me."
Okay. Girl, STOP. Please. He made eye contact because he has eyes and is a human being. If I make eye contact with every male, that does not mean I like them, it means I have eyes and I'm using them correctly.

I had several awesome responses:
- "Be blunt with your intentions, feelings, and motives."
- "Women have to quit being scared for someone to know they are interested. Like isn't that the point? Let them know...just don't be cray." (My personal favorite. Haha!)
- "Be honest about it. Say why you are pursuing each other so that neither person gets confused."
- "Women need to be more straightforward, less flirtface, inserting themselves in every place of the other person's life, or less standoff-ish, running the opposite direction. Be bold, confident, and humble."
- "Just be honest. If you don't know, say it, If it's a no, say it. If you like them, you can say it. It doesn't have to be signals. We can use words. It doesn't have to be complicated."
- "First, don't be quick to assume interest in another. Be slow to speak and quick to listen. Many heartbreaks could be avoided simply by moving slowly."
- "Well this one hits home. I definitely feel like following the guidance of Christ. That may seem like a weird way to answer this question, but from my personal experience, God has told me to stay friends and be still, but He's also told me to move. If you have feelings, don't deny them, but also don't pursue him. He should be pursuing you."


6. You hear, or at least I hear, all the time that the guy is the pursuer. Okay. Cool. So how do guys need to step up in pursuing a relationship?

The responses:
- "Guys need to be the leader. Be blunt with a woman about your intentions. If you don't know your intentions, leave her alone. Don't play. Women are fragile, intricate beings who aren't emotionally removed from these situations. Everything affects a woman to the core (that may be too much, but it's how I feel) Respect her purity, treasure her, and seek to understand her."
- "Guys, get your head out of your rears and pursue her. She wants to be pursued like her mother was. No Netflix and chill. No "let's hang." Go to her door. Drive her to wherever and make her feel like you actually tried super hard even if you thought of it all 2 seconds ago. It's not the money you spend but the effort you give. Nice guys do win. Just don't overdo it and be annoying." (HAHAHA)
- "Be a gentleman. Treat her like she deserves to be treated."
- "Guys should be honest. If you like a girl, do something about it. Be upfront with your feelings. If a guy wants to date a specific girl, make time for her! No games like waiting an X amount of day to call or text, don't say something to come across as laid back and nonchalant but expressing how you truly feel. If a guy said that he was nervously excited before a date, I would be so flattered. If a guy told me that he wanted to take things slow because of whatever reason that would save me a lot of nights wondering why this did or didn't happen. Honesty, regardless o how you THINK you will come across."
- "I don't see the problem being solved by guys pursuing relationships but guys pursuing manhood. Grow up, get a job, learn consistency and faithfulness, practice your faith, learn the gospel, sacrifice your resources for other, honor your mother and care for your sister. Guys who pursue manhood will be much less awkward in pursuing relationships."
- "Asking someone on a date - and letting them know that it's a date - doesn't mean you're in a relationship with someone. Going on multiple dates doesn't mean that either. Guys need to step up and say, "Hey, I'm interested in you, can we purposefully spend time together?" I hate when after a conversation, I'm like, "Oh, is this a thing?"
- "Just be intentional. If you like her, make her feel valued. If you just want to be a brother in Christ, be honest."
- "I think the interest of being more than a friend should be brought up pretty soon after they realize that interest. If there is a lot of "friendzone" space, the girl is more likely to think the potential relationship is hopeless and as the question says, honestly pursue the girl."

I pray that this is something that is useful and beneficial for you in the season of life that you are currently in. It's a good season, I promise.
I don't want you to think that if you do points A, B, and C, then you will instantly be transported out Singleness Station. Because, well, I'm not Jesus and I don't control your life.
I do, however, love Jesus and I want you to know and trust that God is always good. In every season, in every step, in every moment of your life, God is good.

In Christ,

Jennifer

It's all because of God's grace

It's February 13, 2016, a little past 8:00 p.m. where I live and I'm sitting in my place of residence alone. I'm 23 years old living in a town I've grown to love, attending a church that I have grown in my faith at, and working as a resource teacher at two elementary schools that I have learned I'm needed at. I live a good, pretty simple life. I'm blessed.
But, if you would've told me 5 years ago that I'd be in the town I was, at the church I'm a member of, and teaching at the schools I teach at, I probably would've asked you how in the world did I get there.
Well, I think I have an answer....by God's grace.

5 years ago I was 18 years old and a freshman in college. I had a desire to become a teacher and I wanted nothing more than to find a husband and get married. (Note the fact that I said find a husband and not let God lead a man to find me.) I thought I was pretty much in control of my life and how it went. And boy, did I get a slap in the face. I realized that I have no control and that's good. I learned that I don't need a significant other unless they are drawing me closer to Christ and leading me in that direction. I learned that I need to let go of people that were once so close to me go because they were toxic and in no way encouraged me in my walk with Christ. And most importantly, I learned that my life was not about me.

You're probably thinking, "When is this girl going to get to point of the title of this little blog?" and I assure you...I'm getting there. I just had to give a little back story first.

I say all of that to say this:
I wish I would've taken my life more seriously when I was younger. I wish I didn't let things get to me the way they did back then. I wish I would've never dated in high school because I thought I needed to be with someone to be happy and to appear wanted.

To those reading this, you 3 or 4 brave souls, I'm writing this for you. I'm writing this to encourage you to not be the way the world thinks you should be. I'm writing this to encourage you to take life and love and Jesus more seriously now because one day you're going to wake up and you'll be 23, living in an apartment in a town you probably never thought you'd live in, and wonder how in the world you got here.
And it's all because of God's grace.

Right now, you are very focused on making sure that the "right" girls like you. You are very adamant about making sure that what you're wearing and how you act is attractive to boys. You are wanting to be happy and no matter how often you show off those pearly whites, you're the one kidding yourself. I know this, because I've been there. I've been right where you are. You think that maybe when you're pretty enough, or skinny enough, or have someone holding your hand, that you'll finally be happy with who you are. But, let me the one to burst your bubble and tell you that you won't find it if you're relying on yourself and other people to make you happy.

John 15 is probably my favorite chapter in the Bible. I read it often to be reminded that I am nothing and have nothing without Christ.
John 15:10-11 says, "If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full."

Did you catch that? "...and that your joy may be full."

Here's the thing. Joy and happiness are not the same thing. Happiness is fleeting and temporary. But, JOY, joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of your life and the determined choice to praise Him in every situation that occurs.

You, as a human being, can be happy and it can be cool and fun and even exhilarating at times...but it won't last. Something or someone will tick you off and that happiness just jumps out the window.
With joy, more specifically, with Christ's joy in you, you can smile, laugh, cry, whatever, and still have peace in knowing that God's got this and everything else will fall into place.

I wish I would've learned that sooner. I wish that I'd learned sooner that I don't have to have control of my life because in reality, the plans I had for me at 18 and for my future don't even compare to what I have 5 years later at 23.

I have joy.

I have joy in knowing that my life is Christ's. I have joy in knowing my life and who enters it or leaves it is up to Christ. I have joy because I don't have to have my life together all the time. I have joy because I live an incredible life that God has so graciously given me because His love never fails. I have joy in those times of utter confusion and chaos and pain because I know that God has a plan for my life even when I don't understand what He's doing and why He's doing it. I have joy because it's not my job to understand why He does and does not do something.

So, to the one reading this:
A) Congratulations! Thanks for sticking with me! I know it probably wasn't easy.
B) I want to encourage you to seek Jesus every day. I want to encourage you to make Him the center of your life. I want to tell you how important your life is to Christ. He has a plan for you, even when you don't think He does or you think that He has given up on you.

God is good. He is a good, good Father that deeply cares about you and He earnestly wants you to want Him back.

The people in your life that you think you need to make you happy will let you down. It's going to happen. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you that, but it's going to happen whether you want it to or not.

Find your joy, peace, and satisfaction in the Ultimate Creator of this world because He holds the whole world in His hands and He's holding onto you. He sees you, He sees your heart, He knows the desires of your heart, and He just wants you to want Him.

You don't have to do anything to win Him over.

One day you're going to be where I am now and you're going to wonder how in the world you got here and you'll realize that it's all because of God's grace.