This is a new thing for me...blogging. As a young girl, I loved writing in my diary and journals all of my deepest and darkest secrets, but as I've gotten older, that love for sharing things has dwindled. Nonetheless, the more I've thought about it and the more friends I see with blogs, I thought, "Well, why not?" The only thing is, do I really have things to say that might actually interest people? The answer to that? Well I would hope so, but really and truly, this is for me.
I've heard it said that writing helps you to remember, helps you to get out those feelings right when you feel them, helps you to sit back and ponder about why you thought what you thought when you thought it. And let me tell you, I'm a thinker. I think a lot about my life; where I've been, what I've done, and where I want to go. I'm excited to see what will happen with this and if it truly will be beneficial to me and hopefully, in turn, helpful to those out there who struggle and think the way I do.
So here's goes nothing...
In my 21 years, I've seen a lot. I've been through a lot and by the grace of God, I've changed a lot. Growing up a Hulsizer, there are some characteristics that are simply just given to you at birth: sarcastic, kind-hearted, caring to name a few. (quite a random list if you think)
But, I love being a Hulsizer, I love that God put me in the Hulsizer family, and I love that He gave me the parents that He did. Although, I have to admit, there were times in my teenage years that I wish they would've left me alone. But the more I think about, at 21, I'm grateful that they cared and still do. I'm grateful that they punished me because looking back, I know I needed it. I'm grateful that, more than anything, I was raised in a Christian home. And there's the plug to my next topic...
I was raised a preacher's kid and no matter how many times I was told that I was going to end up being one of those "typical preacher's kids", I think I've punched that stereotype flat in the face. I'm a lot of things, but I'm in no way a rebel child. I'm also not the perfect preacher's kid with angel wings and a halo. I've made my share of mistakes and screw ups, but I've learned that those don't define me and who Christ made me to be.
I'm sensitive, I'm gentle, I'm cautious, I love hard, and I'm not ashamed to say that I'm scared. The weird part is, is that I don't know what I'm scared about. I live a life that I'm utterly blessed to live. I still have both of my parents, a beautiful older sister who is married to a great man. I am a senior at UCA majoring in Early Childhood/Special Education simply because I love kids and I want to teach them and remind them of their incredible potential. I live in the great state of Arkansas, in the beautiful city of Conway. I'm blessed and I've come to the conclusion that that is only by Christ and His unconditional love and sweet grace for me that I'm able to live the life that I do. Without Him, none of this, absolutely none of it, would be possible.
Now back to the point of this blog....in my 21 years, I have learned a lot, but one of the most important things that I've learned is the quote that I've lived by for a few years now: "If they can't handle you at your worst, then they don't deserve you at your best."
I had boyfriends in high school that were for the most part, good guys. They went to church, they treated me like a lady, and they seemed to care about me. One thing, though, was missing from each of them, they could never handle me when I wasn't at my best. I like to think of myself as a happy, out-going, loving, and bubbly person, but I can have my days where all I want to do is cry, sit in my pajamas all day long and watch sappy love stories on TV.
Now, I haven't had a boyfriend since my junior year in high school (if you care to do the math, that's almost 5 years) For the first 3 of that, I was one bitter, angry, and jealous girl. I hated boys, everything about them. I wanted nothing to do with them. I had come to the conclusion that they were all the same...scum. Utter scum. Looking back, it wasn't them that was the problem. The problem was me. I held all of this bitterness and hatred in my heart for so long, because I figured that all guys were good at only one thing...breaking hearts.
The last 2 years, God has truly been teaching me so much about myself and really has molded me into the woman of God that He wants me to be. However, He continuously is shaping me and molding me day by day. I like to think of it as a process.
The first on His list to "fix" about me was my bitterness and boy was I bitter. I had to do a lot of reading the Word and praying for God to help to forgive the guys that hurt me in the past. And really and truly, it was a lot easier than I thought. When you look at it from the perspective of Christ, it's completely different than the humanized perspective. Hear me out...
In this day and age, when someone hurts your feelings, breaks your heart, or makes you upset, it's easy to hold a grudge against that person.
From the perspective of Christ comes this question: If God can forgive me for all the stupid stuff I've done and sometimes still do, then why is it so hard for me to forgive others when He can forgive so easily?
Think about it.
Yes, I'm only a 21 year old college student, but I have sure as heck have made my share of mistakes, screw ups, sins, whatever you want to call it and yet, My Father still chooses to forgive me and still believes in the woman that I could and should be.
So, I forgave those guys and it was the most beautiful experience. It was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders.
The more that I sat in Christ's arms and genuinely wanted to know more about Him and His character, He started showing a side of Himself that I never knew was possible.
He started to show me the "Husband" side. I know what you're thinking.."WHAT?! HUSBAND?! God isn't your husband!"
As much as you are technically correct, He is. He's never left my side, He cares for me, He still loves me even at my worst, He satisfies my every need and desire, He sees the best in me and wants the best for me, He knows me better than I know myself. He's perfect.
God has truly shown and taught me that as much as I want to be married and have a husband, that man will never be able to give me the love and satisfaction that I need. But God always will. Without a doubt. There's no doubt in my mind that God has someone out there for me, but His timing is perfect and I believe that when the time is right, He will present himself to me, pursue me, love me at my best and worst, and most importantly, love me the way that Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for her.
So my challenge to you is this: get in The Word and start finding out for yourself all the sides of Christ that He is so openly willing to show you, because He won't disappoint, He might even surprise you.
You are loved, you are sought after, and you were made to do great things. Don't forget it.
Infinite X's and O's,
Jennifer
